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healthyself
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8 years ago 0 healthyself 13 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
This sucks.

Anxiety: Started after my mother dies 6 years ago.  
Panic attacks: Started after my own near death allergic reaction.

Fearful of: Dying of allergic reaction to just about anything now. 
Trouble with it: Now I break out in hives from stress, and think it is an allergic reaction: Awesome. 

Limitations:  I hate being alone, I am so afraid I will have an allergic reaction (BTW severe allergic reactions and panic attacks feel incredibly like one another)   and not be able to get to the epi pen fast enough or I will die in front of my son who is 4 years old. 
I do not drive anywhere but the store and work with limits me to about a 10 mile radius and on some days that is utterly panic stricken drive.   Just writing this down is causing me to tense up!!!  
Eating is a challenge, since my anaphylaxis I have learned I am allergic to shellfish and aspirin (both of which I ate and took for 39 years)  
I practice medicine for a living and I am trying to help people get over what I can  not seem to do!  Awesome again!
(Good news when I am work , everyone know what to do!) 
I feel like a stuck miserable failure most of the time, but you would never know it, i am quite skilled at smiling and playing it down. 


Good News: 1/2 mg Ativan sometimes 1/4 mg gets me through the day. I never dosed up and just sucked it up when things got bad with the symptoms because I am aware of the withdraw issues with higher doses and figured I have enough problems.  (never took SSRI's  I breast fed my son for 3 years and the research is weak with breastfeeding and SSRI's so I chose not to)   I was unable to leave my house 2 years ago alone at all, my husband drove me to work...and that is all I did.  Now through meditation and much work with a therapist I am able to get myself to work and eat more....  But I am so far away form the person I would to be.... I want my freedom back!  

I hope that I will be able to overcome this so that I may help others overcome their issues with panic and anxiety.  I also want to drive alone in my car without feeling freaked out and pulling over on the freeway crying thinking I am dying!  What a concept!  

I hope someone here understands how freaking hard this is and how much energy goes into this crap every freaking day!  I just want my freedom back! 

Signing off, 
Healthyself

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8 years ago 0 healthyself 13 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
This sucks.

Samantha, Thank for your reply.   I love the question about how committed I am, at first I thought WTH?  I am on the website albeit fairly anonymous talking about how scared I am and what brought me here, and then I thought longer and well,  reasonable question.  I have has panic attacks and fear of dying for 2 years.  Trying to rid myself of them for about a year, then accepting myself and the panic (my new guru)  for the last year (with the help of a therapist).  But here's the thing, every time I get progress and have a back slide it really freaks me out.  I retreat.  So the thing that would keep me from moving forward is the thing that has me here. FEAR!!!  Fear of being this way forever, scared, limited and ick.  So my commitment is high.  I have tried many ways, talk therapy, hypnotherapy Chi gong, meditation and ativan. They have all helped in some ways, I am not in the fetal position in bed fearful to stand up, like I was in the beginning.  I had a nanny who i would have follow me driving further and further each day...  she graduated college and got a 'real job' :) 
But, I have not tried a program like this.  I am pretty intense and tend to do everything by the letter.  I am a good follower of rules.  But I am also fearful of dying and I have not yet convinced myself that my fears are unfounded.  In fact I am expert of coming up with reasons why my fears are....   false exaggeration appearing real....  I get it intellectually but my feeling are not in sync with the monkey mind ( and WOW these monkeys have skills!)  BTW, yes I am clear that we all die, from what I can tell we really don't get to pick how.... (well most of us don't) and I would like to live more before I push up daisies. 

Thanks for the questions and the support.  
Healthyself. 

healthyself
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8 years ago 0 healthyself 13 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
This sucks.

Hugs4you, 

Thanks for the reply and the support.  
I do have a question for you.
How are you?  It sounds like you have made it through some rough stuff and have come out the 'other-side'  I would like to hear about your experience.   We are all one after all, and if you can, then I can. RIght?  We are all made of the same stuff... I just need to find the stuff to be free.   :) I hope your BP in under control now!  That is such a hard disease because most of the time you feel just fine, the motivation for taking the meds is very low... I believe (with my entire heart) that there is no damage that can not repaired, maybe not to the original form... but I have always had a thing for tape :) 

Thanks again for the support.  
healthyself
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8 years ago 0 healthyself 13 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
This sucks.

Hello Davit,  It is Heal-thy-self : )
 
I really enjoy helping others and sometimes I get out of balance, I thought the name would help to remind me... The Ativan had been going on for 2 years....off and on  usually 1/4 to 1/2 mg daily, somedays none.  I am not looking forward to the taper, but I know the trouble.   What were the feelings that were worse on the Ativan for you?  If I am feeling the same way a switch would be in order.   I see you post often and you are always so positive and helpful.  I am glad to see that.  Thank you for replying to my post.   PS Love the photo with the horse!  It looks like a heavenly day there!
 
Heal thy self  :)
healthyself
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8 years ago 0 healthyself 13 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
This sucks.

Hugs4u
 
Caregivers are and will always be angels on earth.  It takes such heart and passion to do that.  I think it is the most under appreciated job in the the western world. 
Way to go making me google a word:  Milieu   I had no idea what it meant! Thanks for the vocabulary stretch!  Now I do!
 
I also wish I were more resilient, I find that a little backslide, can send me into a tailspin and I feel as weak and  helpless as when this all started... then some good days come and hope returns...
 
I am totally surprised how many anxious thoughts forms I filled out in the last 24 hours  Jeez!  My mind is doing overtime!  (and not in a good way!) 
 
Heal thy self.  :)
healthyself
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8 years ago 0 healthyself 13 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
I am doing so much better!!!

Bren I am new to this, but I have to telly ou thank you so much for posting your success!  Being the newby I wonder if it will get any better.  Way to go!!!!!!!!!!!  Congrats and keep it up!!!  I look forward to hearing about mnore of your successes! 
 
kindly,
Heal-thy-self
 
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8 years ago 0 healthyself 13 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
This sucks.

Davit, I am loving the information.  I appreciate it and thank you.  It is comforting to hear someone further along this long and winding road.  I am doing the work.  No panic attack today. But I do feel more anxious just writing all the anxious thoughts down!  Ha!   Darkest before the dawn, no pain no gain??   Well whatever it is I am a Buffalo and I see a storm coming.... i think I'll just run right into it!  See what's on the other side.... it's gotta beat the crap out of what I have been living with.    I have xanax in the cupboard.... did you taper your ativan and use the xanax???  Funny you did the sublingual route.... that is the only way I do it.  The things we come up with eh? 

Heal Thy Self

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8 years ago 0 healthyself 13 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
How was your day?

I like the question: 

I am grateful for the warm air today. 
I am grateful for the love of my husband.
I am grateful for quinoa pasta!

What are you grateful for??

HealThySelf
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8 years ago 0 healthyself 13 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
This sucks.

Davit, I sincerely hope you will come out of retirement and open up a little office to help fellow anxiety sufferers.... seriously.    What a gift you have.   

I am loving the phrase, "tick on my ass-this will pass"  Cracks me up!   Journal open and ready to write....  i did some in the beginning and it tapered off over time.... back to it.    I do have a question about journalling.  Do you do it when you are panicking?  Or just when ever you notice anxious thoughts, totally relaxed times... are the anxious thought forms part of that journalling or not?    Can you tell I like the details???  Part of the problem I suppose!  

Thanks again,  really consider putting up a shingle.  
HealThySelf
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8 years ago 0 healthyself 13 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Frustrated

Well, I just really feel off... i  have been been writing down every anxious thought I can notice this:  I have a lot of stinkin thinkin going on.  Writing it out does not seem to do much else but make it all worse... awesome right?  SO now I am on to the challenging aspect of the plan, and I get to the end of the 10 questions and it is asking me to think about the worst thing that can happen... really??   That is my problem, I think about the worst thing that can happen and live there so I am confused... someone help me out here.....  So it seems like you start out ok... asking if it is true, then by then end I am again thinking about the thing that got me into the mess I am in (anxiety)   Since I know this stuff works.... I mean it is really the only thing studied that helps people..... what am I missing???  Because this is just making me more of head case than was when I started....   are we breaking eggs to make an omelet?   Oh, and BTW I really do not want to be doing this.... how bad is that???  But I am doing this and holding on  like it is the last floaty and I am in the titanic......   Jeez.  Yikes and WTH??  arrrgggggggg! 
Heal Thy Self.