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Blue Radi
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6 years ago 0 Blue Radi 2 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
new of course! My story.

Hello.  Of course I am new here.  I have had one very serious panic attack about 9 years ago, and wee little ones and anxiety about it since. 
 Here is my story as I see it. 
My husband became distant right after we got married.  He prefered the attention of newer suituations, being the center of attention, I was old news so to speak.  When this started to happen I felt lonely, sad, confused, and was shamed by him for feeling this way, so I began to lose my self esteem.  I think this is how I developed panic and anxiety, as I started questioned myself constantly for feeling distressed about our relationship and when talking to him about it I was told I was crazy and imagining things.  I always thought myself a strong person, trusted my gut.  But I am not really that person any more.
We recently moved from the city to a small mountain town, I thought this would be great bring us closer together.  My husband is very social, in 2 bands, volunteers at the local college radio station.  I am the opposite.  I like to go out to the odd show, or event but not every weekend.  I have a fear of the BIG PANIC ATTACK that happens after midnight, so must leave before then.  This bothers my husband greatly because the party just starts going at midnight.  I self medicate with alcohol as it makes me more fun and stay out longer, as I've been told.  This is not a good path to be on as this has started to get me in trouble as I get upset with my distant, emotionally unavailable husband at the end of the evening.  Which then adds to my anxeity in the long run.
I wish I could get my confidence back and not panic about my panic, which increases my need for my husband, which increases his need to get away from me.  I wish my husband could show empathy for me and listen to me and my thoughts.  I wish I could just shake this feeling out of my head and go back to me, me who I was, me who was not affraid of anything, me who was confident.
So, basically I panic about panic happening.  I have anxiety for what happens if it happens again and I'm alone, or I have to bother my husband with it.  I have anxiety for what people might think of me if I'm not fun.  I have anxiety to not live up to expectations of others.  I have heavy shoulders.
This site looks good to help me with this.  Thanks for listening.  One other thing.  I have looked into my panic anxiety before and I have found that it makes me more crazy and anxious the more I work with it.  I don't really get that?
Blue Radi
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6 years ago 0 Blue Radi 2 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Family visits

Hello.  I'm still super new here. 
This coming weekend I'll be going to my inlaws for a big family celebration.  I find family gatherings very stressful.  My mind gets all fluttery, with thoughts flying all over the place.  Children really set me going off, I can't concentrate on conversations, my breathing is shallow, sweaty, think I'm going to just melt on to the floor and die.  So I get up and walk away and do something productive like dishes or read a book on the loo.  Or if alcohol is around drink some. 
My husband sits there like a dead fish when around his parental units, and does as his Mother says when ever or what ever, no if ands or buts, he does it.  I hate this!  Can't he see that I'm falling apart in the corner!  Why is he not there for me!  What an *******!  I know this is not normal thinking but this is what happens. 
I know my thinking starts before I even get to the house.  Predicting how things are going to happen, like some super duper fortune teller.  NOT!
How could I talk to my husband with out upsetting him that his (and my family) do this to me?  He gets extremely enraged when I talk about how I feel around family, and I should just get over it.  Do you have similar problems around family and how have you dealt with it.....apart from just not going, lol.
This website is really opening my mind to all these new thoughts of how I am having anxiety a lot more than I thought, and explains a lot of my reactions, like drinking too much, walking out of rooms, my excessive sweating, the arguements my husband and I have.