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12 years ago 0 Evolution 3043 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi Goofy
 
Thank you again for your reply.  To answer your question - I have always been better at the written than the verbal.  Like you said I have time to think.  I can take back what does not come out right and there is no emotional tone in voice to take away from my words.  I do not get tongue tied or faulter over my words.  Yes, I look much better on paper!
 
I also have trouble practicing what I preach - it is so easy to have the understanding of something than to implement it.  If I could implement what I know I would not need to be here.  I recognize that having those negative core values make the job harder - more frustrating.  I have always felt the need to justify my feelings.  Right now I don't know why, I just know that I do.  I'm sure that if I allow myself to think about it (ask the hard questions) I could come up with some ideas.  Truthfully, I don't want to think about it right now.  I feel enough pain and will let the why go for now.  I do need to use your poem to remind myself that I don't need to explain why I feel a certain way to anyone.  I may need to examine it for myself, but for no one else.  This really hangs me up - simple concept but incredibly hard for me to do.
 
Like you, I believe God made me this way for His reasons.  I do not understand it totally but rather am content in the belief that this process I call battling depression is rather God's way of challenging me to become who I am in His will.  I've been doing alot of thinking about faith and God's providence lately.  I realize I lack the ability to allow God to do anything with me because I am always trying to control it myself.  It is here that I have difficulty.  My daily prayer is that I will allow God to do what is necessary and that I will stop getting in the way - perhaps it is the lesson I needed to learn all along.  May we both reach that potential.
 
Thank you for the "talk" Goofy
 
 
 
 
 
Mom of 3,
 
You should not feel embarrassed at all, because like you said, it's where you're at right now. Try working on challenging your thoughts regarding always feeling like whatever you feel is odd or wrong. If you are feeling a certain way, there is always a reason for it. This is a safe place for you, and for all of the members, to share their thoughts and feelings. As you know, we are always here for you.
 
Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator
12 years ago 0 Evolution 3043 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
mom of 3 one more thing, the ex-husband/daughter thing - it was as bad to you as it was. 
 
If you think it was bad, you tell the story and it seems embellished to someone, it is there problem not yours!

12 years ago 0 Evolution 3043 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Mom of 3
 
YOU ARE NOT NOR DO YOU SOUND PATHETIC!  I know I screamed that.  But listen - part of communication.  the recipient can't just hear, they have to listen and understand.  Identify that "pathetic" or "sounding pathetic" as a negative core belief.  It is that!  But we are NOT pathetic.  We are people and all people are worthy of dignity and respect!  We have to  believe this and practice with others, but especially with ourselves.  I have difficulty doing these things too, otherwise, I wouldn't be here.  lol, I wish I could practice what I preach!

More that I should practice but don't - just preach! You can't justify emotions and there are no wrong ways to feel. This poem (don't know that it is a poem) is so special to me, I found it long ago,  I don't know who wrote it, I have it home, in my purse, I have it work, I share it with people I care about. I capitalized the words they did in the copy I have.
 
Believe
I have permission to be exactly who I am, I have a right to FEEL what I feel and to believe in the vision I see.   It is okay to think what I think, to DREAM what I dream, to love everything I love.  I never have to deny my TRUE self or pretend to be something I'm not.  I am worthy of LOVE and respect.  I TRUST my heart.  I take pride in the integrity of my SPIRIT.  I believe in what is true to me.  I am free.  I am uniquely BEAUTIFUL me.  
 
The part that doesn't fit with the CBT is what we believe - we have these negative thoughts about ourselves and we have to change them!  I believe God (the God of my understanding) created me uniquely.  I think that He gave me this depression as a challenge in life, as a counselor that I might be able to move forward in helping people.  I just have to meet the challenge and get to that point. 
 
It is so easy to write on here - if I could communicate verbally(along with a few other things), I'd have it made.  I can't find the right words, can't get the right concept, can't express myself effectively. On here I can take my time, find the right words, talk intelligently with you via posts, etc.  Do you find that to be true as well?  Your messages are always clear and your communication is working on here!  We need to remember we are at least getting it right here!
 
12 years ago 0 Evolution 3043 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi Goofy,  Thank you again for your reply. It is so good to know someone else shares these issues.  They bother me alot.  I did understand that the emotions list was for personal understanding, but I also thought that maybe it would spark some idea of better expression if I had the correct words as descriptors.  Maybe in time it will work that way because I'll have a better vocabulary for my emotions but it won't cure the communication issue I have.  (I already read your other post) I don't know if I'll process better with an expanded vocabulary either.  I usually know how I feel, I get hung up handling - reacting appropriately, expressing etc.  Does this make sense?  I just always feel odd about whatever I feel, like it's always wrong - shouldn't is a big word for me.  Even if I permit the feeling I don't think I can share it.
 
Knowing that someone else has the tearing up issue makes me feel less ackward.  I don't mind it when it is appropriate but  when I wouldn't think it would be interpreted as appropriate it embarasses me terribly. I think it's more insecurity, just like the eye contact thing.  You're right about that too.  In reviewing times when this happens I do recognize the feeling that I'm being judged, pitied, disbelieved, etc.  Especially when I talk about my first marriage and problems with my daughters I have the feeling that it's so ridiculous that whoever I try to talk to about it thinks I'm embellishing.  Even my husband says he had no idea how bad it was, but now he's witnessed it for himself.  I'm embarassed by it and even though I know I made a mistake I feel like people wonder how I could have gotten myself into such a mess.  I know that my co-dependency and lack of self worth got me into it, but feel like I've done nothing but pay for this mistake.  I have low self esteem as you said.  I like that you pointed out that I don't owe anyone an explaination unless I want to explain. I feel that way but usually won't say so. I spend way too much time justifying.
 
I appreciate that you take the time to answer my posts.  Right now I'm feeling embarassed because as I read over this post I sound pathetic and I'm tempted to erase it.  I'm not because, whether I like it or not, it's where I am.  This is the safest place for me to speak openly too.  So thanks for taking the time again.
12 years ago 0 Evolution 3043 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Mom of 3,   I didn't use my "expanded vocabulary" with others.  It was to benefit myself so that I could more effectively handle what I was feeling.  I thought if I could identify how I really felt - break those generalizations down into more specific feelings then it helped me to process them and move through them. 
 
Your other issue about no eye contact.  I have trouble with that too.  I don't think it is a sign of lying (unless you are being interrogated by the police who would interpret it that way).  I think it is a sign of low self-esteem.  I've had a couple of people comment on that through the years and I've always just come up with some sarcastic reply - not that it is the best way to handle it, but I don't owe them an explanation!  Family, friend or otherwise I do not owe them an explanation!
 
We all wear masks everyday.  I think it is necessary for survival and a part of life.  If I acted the same way with my children, family as I did at work - that would be a problem  We have different masks for different roles we have in our lives and those dictate who we generalize too and who we can be more intimate in our conversation.  I don't think using your new expanded emotional vocabulary is necessary with anyone else but yourself or people YOU CHOOSE.  i.e. someone like my son asks me "how are you?".  I say well, I've been depressed, I'm feeling ____ and ____, I think I've been feeling this way because I'm thinking about ____or this or that happen.  If they ask me at work I say "fine, thanks"  or having a great day, thanks.  It ain't none of their damn business how I feel and besides they really don't want to know anyway!
 
I can also relate to not only the no eye contact, but crying and being embarrassed, I have had to think about this one alot.  Some people display their emotions more readily than others.  Is that a bad thing...I think not because that means we are feeling them as they occur and not letting them build up.  I do know sometimes I cry and it's not in a situation where I think someone else would cry.  It is so very very difficult to remind myself, that it is okay for me to find something emotional that others don't.  Also, sometimes we get rid of stored emotions that way.  Maybe felt let crying before and didn't because we were more in control (remember, we are working on getting back in control, sorta).  
 
 If you read my post (in success stories), I was so very happy that I cried at appropriate times, didn't wail or cry uncontrollably without being able to be consoled, but cried appropriately.  I didn't embarass myseld or my son.  He even commented that I did good.  I had many animals in my life but never cried over the loss of any of them, many for years and years who were faithful companions and very dear to me.  Then I had this one cat that died.  I cried for days and days and days, I think this was because I felt I had to be strong, was told "don't cry", only babies cry. Now I feel as I go and I think this is much more healthy.  It's okay to cry when you feel like crying.  I snort when I cry, do you ever snort?  lol, my son and I laugh about this at a more appropriate time.  So I am entertaining to some. 
 
Geez mom of 3, you and I get on a roll sometimes, the communication thing is another post but coming up!  Oh, I think us getting on a roll is good - you make me think and vice versa.  Your insight is valuable to me.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 <
12 years ago 0 Evolution 3043 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
I did look up a list of emotions.  It was helpful in that I have some other words to describe my feelings other than generalizing.  However, knowing me and unless I felt I was in a conversation with a totally safe person (and who would that be???), I know I would likely generalize.  Making generalizations when I speak to people is a way of masking without lying per se.  I am saying something close to how I feel but avoid using a specific term to describe it. 
I also realize that I don't always maintain eye contact when I'm speaking with someone about myself.  Since I have been told that this signifies lying I have been unsure why I don't keep the contact, because I am not lying!  Through the above realization I understand now that while I am not lying, I am masking and not allowing the entire truth out. I guess that's a form of lying, but I don't feel safe giving everyone such information.  I also have a tendancy to become teary eyed and this embarasses me.
I have always had to justify everything I do so not giving the WHOLE truth is a lie to me, but have been burned when I do.
 
Anyone with a perspective on this would be helpful, it's been bothering me for awhile.  I realize that my communication skills are lacking and it's difficult to identify something but not know how to change it.
12 years ago 0 Evolution 3043 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi Breanne,
 
Maybe you're right.  Maybe I just can't find a way to make my emotions and feelings fit into real life.
Mom of 3,
 
I think you are pretty in tune with your emotions and feelings. You probably know best in terms of knowing when to dig deep. Work on finding new descriptors, and let us know if you find it helpful.
 
Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator
12 years ago 0 Evolution 3043 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0

Thanks Goofy, that sounds like a good idea.  I do find myself using generalizations to express my feelings.  Mostly because some of my feelings are so painful that I don't really want to dig any deeper.  I know this is not a good thing, but it is what I do.  I am somewhat afraid of searching my feelings - maybe I'm afraid of what I'll find.  Mostly I just know that I hurt and I don't want to.  Sounds like I don't give this much real thought, but I do.  Maybe finding some new descriptors will help me look more deeply.

 

 


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